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Post by Admin on Jul 10, 2024 10:05:21 GMT
Now that not drinking, my energy cycle is changing...the hours that I sleep are changing...I have more energy, sure, but I don't feel inspired.
But when drinking, I feel inspired, but then when hung over have no energy to act.
Now I have energy, but not inspired...I've got to find balance.
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Post by Admin on Jul 10, 2024 10:09:05 GMT
Anyways, since awake, I may as well get up and do something, cause could become drowsy again within an hour.
I don't have much time left on this earth...I mean even if I do manage to succeed at anything...my time is short, and those I love, their time is even shorter...so where's the true hope and inspiration for me going forward when all I really see is the grave approaching.
Religion?
yeah right...religion just feels fake to me now.
I'm not saying God is fake, I'm just saying religion, going to church, all of that 'structure' just seems fake and plastic to me now.
If I went back to church I'd feel as if I were faking it, just going through the motions.
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Post by Admin on Jul 10, 2024 10:15:30 GMT
Now that not drinking, my energy cycle is changing...the hours that I sleep are changing...I have more energy, sure, but I don't feel inspired.
But when drinking, I feel inspired, but then when hung over have no energy to act.
Now I have energy, but not inspired...I've got to find balance.
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Post by Admin on Jul 13, 2024 19:29:46 GMT
 It's Saturday, and still no drink, nor do I plan to...I think tomorrow will be 2 weeks or so without a drink? Cool...but still have a long way to go to get back in decent over all shape. |
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Post by Admin on Jul 20, 2024 10:10:23 GMT
Almost gave in yesterday, did for a very short moment.
Had a few sips or swallows of beer, and a small bottle of that very small wine they sell in convient stores...like really small...and then I stopped, and was like 'why throw away weeks of progress now?'
So I stopped, and glad I did, cause just that one little bottle of like 'Sutton's' wine and those few sips or swallows of beer, even that kind of messed me up for the rest of the evening.
My body is done with booze, period.
I've proven to self I don't need it, and that people, or my excitement over others, isn't worth me destroying my mind or body over booze...it never was.
I'm as alone now as I was when first started drinking.
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Post by Admin on Jul 23, 2024 23:19:30 GMT
So close to giving in
One of those days where there's or there was no more highlights, felt alone, but felt like natural mood cycle wasn't good enough, so I drove to liquor store and bought two 4-packs of beer and one very small Burban half pint.
Drank a few sips of the Burbon, drank literally one sip of beer, then I just stopped....why?
Cause although my body isn't 100%...still have a few muscle aches, and joint soreness, yet my energy level is superb, and it's like I got a boost of energy, right before about to take second swallow of beer, and I just stopped.
I felt sorry for my body...it's as if my body was trying to say 'Just give us a bit more time to heal'...and well, I just felt sorry for my body, cause my bodie's been so good to me, better than my behavior deserves...so I stopped drinking.
Probably had less than 2 tea spoons of beer and booze combined.
Any more than that and I might not have been able to stop...but I just, I don't know...I respect and like life.
I know my body, my organs are me, but in a way they're still seperate life from my soul, and so who am I to damage them by drinking? Is how I felt at that moment, for some odd reason.
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Drinking myself drunk would not have solved a thing in my life, and would have pretty much rendered tomorrow useless, cause would have spent 3/4's of the day in bed recovering and then feeling depressed.
Look, choosing not to drink tonight, at this moment, isn't gonna magical change or reverse anything negative in my life...isn't gonna garner me any new friend, or bring back old ones...so I guess I just did it cause, well, it was the right thing to do.
I've got health momentum going on right now, and maybe my body just needs a bit more time to totally heal up.
And there's a few other things I need to cut out of my life like sauces, which contain high fructose corn syrap, which is crack cocaine of sugar, and a few other things that do with diet.
I'm exercising daily, but still my future is as uncertain as ever.
I'm a lonely soul just trying to navigate through this world, a older lonely soul at that...I don't expect much positive outcome anymore, but I do desire peace, a peaceful existence and environment...and you can't have peace within if your body is sick or sickly and or in pain.
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Anyways, evening, here I come, sober and all, oh Lord have mercy...
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Post by Admin on Jul 26, 2024 0:17:03 GMT
Did a brave and smart thing today
OK, the other night I did give in, had like a small amount of Burban, as in 1/4 pint, basically a few swallows, but then guzzled down 3 beers after that, 3 or 2.5.
Woke up the next day feeling just fine, like zero effect...and that's cause had previously gone like 15 days without a drink, so much healthier.
Well, the next day I was like, 'Nope, not falling for this trap again', and so I put remaining booze in my vehicle with the intention to just drop it off on the street and let some homeless person get it...well I forgot to do that, and so the booze was still in vehicle...and that's how temptation begins....cause then I"m like 'Well, since already in vehicle, may as well go get it and finish it off'...
And that was the plan, sort of...but then on the way back home I was like 'No, not doing it'...and so dropped booze off at a Dollar Store, behind the store, where sometimes homeless people sit, and then drove home with no booze in car or place.
That's a big deal for me, for anyone who drinks, or did a lot in the past...that was a big deal decision making moment.
Will this evening be better because of it? I doubt it, cause even though not drinking, I still have to deal with 'self', and my own habits that can at times be less than productive...but it's a start.
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Post by Admin on Jul 31, 2024 21:24:51 GMT
 I can definitely say that being sober is over all better than being drunk. But when drunk, sure, you reach what feels like a 'peek', when no more beers matter and you're in la la land....but your mood suffers tremendously the next day, or days. The less you drink, the quicker you recover, but the more you drink, you just pull yourself into a hole. So far, I've been drinking about every 5 days on average, it was about 8 days on average, until I drank yesterday evening and into the night. |
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Post by Admin on Aug 14, 2024 23:20:38 GMT
I feel like drinking right now, but don't want all the side effects I feel like drinking right now, or being emotionally taken to the spot drinking takes me to, but without the lingering side effects that always follow. Wish I could get that drunk utopic feeling, without actually flooding the body with booze, which is bad for you, of course. I'm working hard to get into shape, and I'm my own worst enemy, in that regard, most of us are indeed our own worst enemies. But now that sober, I have energy, and afternoons, evenings, just seem to drag when sober, and that's a good thing, cause time is precious. But what I'm saying is when it drags, it makes me want to drink to make the dragging time more fun to myself. That's just how drinkers think, I suppose. When going sober, you really have to totally re-arrange you're whole mindset. Even as I type this I feel like drinking, just so can relax.
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Post by Admin on Aug 24, 2024 1:20:32 GMT
No booze for me tonight...that's a good thing.
As a drinker, if can over come Friday and Saturday nights without drinking, that means you're really making progress.
Just being healthy in and of itself has to become an exciting thing again...that's when you know you're making progress.
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Post by Admin on Aug 26, 2024 2:50:16 GMT
Sobriety can be one scary ride, if not used to it
Sobriety can be one scary ride, for sure, if not used to it, and you realize what a shaky foundation of supposed friends, even family, and or future you've created for yourself.
Once sober, you have to decide how to make things right again, one corrective decision at a time.
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Post by Admin on Sept 1, 2024 23:01:51 GMT
When drunk, you tend to call people you hate, while pretending to like them while on the phone with them.
Then the next day you want to vomit for calling 'death'.
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Post by Admin on Sept 5, 2024 21:27:24 GMT
When I drink, I feel so bold, confident, assured of myself, then for the next day or two after, I feel so very small and frail and emotionally fragile.  |
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Post by Admin on Oct 8, 2024 0:24:27 GMT
I had to have a talk with myself...
1. You drank last night, did it resolve anything in your life?
No...
2. If you drink tonight, will it resolve anything in your life?
No...
3. Will drinking beer tonight improve your health, or your looks and or your mood?
No...
Than why drink?
A. Cause I think reality frightens me at times, my own moods frighten me, and drinking allows me to escape for a while, and pretend, I guess.
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Bottom line, my better side, my adult side, my logical side, is correct, I don't need to drink tonight.
My body does all it can to keep me healthy, I workout, and am pretty fit for my age, so why would I keep making it harder for my body to restore me, and make me whole?
I guess that's what loneliness does to you at times, when lonely, you just don't want to feel lonely, and if alcohol is the only one, or thing that will talk to you, it can be hard to resist, at times.
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Post by Admin on Oct 28, 2024 20:57:40 GMT
Today, as I sit here, I feel doomed  One of those days.
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