I know I'm not 'gay' because

I know I'm not gay, because



I know I'm not gay, because whenever I run an add seeking 'same sex companion', like say on a lonely drunken Saturday or Friday night, whenever I run an add, as soon as anyone or people actually respond in a serious manner, I freak out.

In other words I can be 'drunk gay', at times, I suppose, in that if feeling lonely, while drinking or drunk, well the goofy side comes out, and when alone, you don't want to be alone, period, is how one reasons when drunk and lonely.

So I guess new term I've invented here is 'Drunk gay'.

But when sober and in right state of mind, when go back and read peoples responses to add, I freak out, like 'Oh my gosh, what was I thinking', and then remove add.

If I were truly 'gay', than I would not freak out once sober, if I were truly gay, I'd stay gay whether drunk or sober.

Any intelligent person or being studies 'self', your self becomes like a lab.

Now when I'm sober, there are certain others of same sex I do feel attracted to at times, but would never approach and tell them that, but often wonder if stranded on Island, with no one else around, would I then?

But beyond being attracted to their physical attributes, does that mean I also want a relationship with them?

Probably yes, I mean who doesn't want to have a friend, hang out pal, that are attracted to, but does being attracted to someone of same sex then mean you want to 'go to bed' with them?

Rational people think about this stuff all the time, dishonest people do, but will say they don't.

Anyways, back to am I gay or not, I think sometimes I am, on the inside, but by the time feelings surface, they're held back by social norms, community, peer pressure and more.

But I think I'm more lonely, than gay, in that if a cute woman approached me, I'd be totally fine and happy with that, but they do not, so as such one gets lonely, and when lonely, for years, well like I've said before 'Loneliness is the window to many strange things'.

I want people to be attracted to me, who doesn't?

But since women seem to ignore me, a few years ago found out how wonderful it felt when another 'guy' was attracted to me, and for once didn't feel ugly, that did wonders for my self esteem.

(Most women are to self centered and selfish to realize that males have emotional needs also)

For years and years I'd, and still do, compliment women, never anything in return, it's always one way, like a one way drain.

Then one odd evening, by accident, entered or was pulled into the world of male to male attraction, and it felt good, do to the mindset I was in at the time.

Women totally take 'attraction' for granted, totally snub so many guys who give them compliments, where as I do not, and appreciate whomever is attracted to me, male or female.

All that said, (to wrap this up), I still don't think I'm gay, lonely at times yes, gay, no.

To be continued on next post shortly.

What turns me off from being 'gay'

1. Most closet, bi-sexual males just want fly by the night experience, after that back to wife, job, 'normal' life, where as I desire long term, life long, relationship or 'ships' whether with a male or female.

The main thing that prevents me from fully exploring same sex relationships is the 'short' nature of such relationships, and the graphic 'meat factory' of such relationships.

It's sickos who prey on the vulnerabilities of others, who give 'gays' a bad name

It's sickos, who prey on the vulnerabilities of others, who give gays a bad name.

To me, wanting to be 'loved' and 'cherished' by another, when alone and single, is not a sin, rather it's 'instinct'.

But 'sickos' exploit that, and turn ones needing to be 'loved', embraced, and cared for, into 'porn'.

Not every male or female will be paired in this world, just not possible, but while alive, still need 'love'...so sorry preacher types don't get that.

And this C/L add agrees...link = bi sexual vampires

It really is sad



It really is sad how male expression has been catigorized.

In other words the fact that some want to look 'neat' and interesting to self means they have to be a pin up sl_t to another?

I mean it's why you cannot find 'T-girl' art, crossdresser art, tranny art, sissy art, queer art, that just stands on it's own without the 'P' element.

I mean how come whenever you type in T girl, or sissy or cross dresser art, it searches always lead you to porn?

Just because one is a T girl or 'other' doesn't mean one wants to be tackled and humped by some bi-sexual male in a porn shoot.

But sadly that's how alternative male identities have been deemed.

If you portray yourself, as a male, as expressing any other identity through art, fashion, ect, other than typical male attire, perception is that you're gay, and thus want to attract and be humped by whatever.

Thus there is no room for mainstream T girl or sissy or queer art in that it's only associated with porn.

Why?

It's sickening when you think about it, the exploitation of a certain identity.

I don't get how wanting to look and feel beautiful to self, whether through art or real life transition always has to equate into wanting to get humped by a bi-sexual male.

I wish the day would come when T girls and others of that genre, could learn to be beautiful independent of sexual prowess.

Until then, male alternative art will never ever be taken seriously, and instead always lumped into the 'P' category.

It's why my art is 'P' free, and instead focuses on 'moods' and 'tones' of life that complex beings go through and feel on the inside.

But outside of my art depictions, I just can't seem to find similar art anywhere, so very sad, at least to me, a person trying to find a similar community, I mean am I just that different?

Beauty without exploitation, is that concept so odd?

I know I'm not 'gay' in the classical sense because when I see two rough males, kissing, like on TV or on some 'gay dating site add', I'm repulsed by it, like two guys, who both look macho, with beards, kissing, I'm repulsed by it.

But on the other hand, if the bearded guy were kissing a clean shaven soft male, than I'm not as repulsed because I see 'opposite dynamics' occurring.

Nature always seeks a balance, now the two bearded men kissing could be balanced, but that balance would be internal, like based on one being dominant, and the other submissive so to speak.

But visually, seeing two bearded, husky guys kiss, provides no visual balance, at least not to me.

But if one was or is truly gay, than two bearded men kissing is 'the norm'.

But 'my norm' is physical as well as internal balance.

And not every female provides that 'balance', and the ones who do, or would, always seem to be paired already.

The only way I'd feel comfortable in a same sex relationship is if the person I was with was my physical opposite, regardless of gender.

If it were a male, they'd have to be 'soft' (my definition of soft), or they'd have to be 2-4 times more 'hard' than myself, where then I could relax and play the 'darling role'...chuckle.

But could never physically fall for another with my exact same qualities, cause it would be like looking in the mirror and dating own self, which basically is the gold standard of a true gay/Lesbian person, anything else is a derivative of that.

A Butch Lesbian, is seeking that 'balance' as well, is why a butch Lesbian always seeks a soft flower like female mate to be with or dominate.

But if seeking that 'opposite' within same gender, is that or can that truly be considered being gay?

But if seeking that 'opposite' within same gender, is that or can that truly be considered being gay?

If a male seeks feminine qualities in another male, are they truly gay?
If a woman seeks masculine qualities in another woman, are they truly gay?

These are questions maybe a psychologist would have to answer.

And to complicate it, what if a male has more fem qualities than a female, are you still suppose to be attracted to the female, even if the female looks more manly than the male?

What would that be called?

I think I know I'm not gay cause I don't have any gay friends or lovers

The main reason why I know I'm not gay is cause I have no gay friends or lovers.

Gay people think I'm just as weird, colorfully weird as I guess regular 'straight' people do.

And maybe cause my taste in flesh is so specific.

And what I do like, am attracted to, I can never have, for people who fit my definition of attractive totally ignore me in social settings, so the only time I get to glance eyes at them is in professional setting, as in if they happen to be a cashier or nurse or biologist ect, but once social setting ends, they want nothing to do with me, or so it seems.

I'm just not wanted by anyone or anything other than animals I toss bread to, but even they only want me for the food I feed them.

Yes, if I were gay, than I'd have gay friends, and would be rolling around under the sheets, but that's not me, I'm celibate, singular and alone...that just seems to be my destiny and fate.

But there's a lot you can do with singular and alone, especially if begin to focus on self, and even spoil self, hug self, gift self, since the women/cute Androgynous types rejected 'you'.

All you can do is sit back and watch as their lives 'rot' and yours gets better...no shame, cause you tried, you most certainly did try.

I met a woman, about 1 month ago, it was all good for a while, I thought I'd finally found 'the right one'...but now, not sure.
Seems guys, males, who meet women just don't live long, is why it seems older women are always single.

I think women can be dangerous to men, make men stress out more, get men into fights with other men, break a mans heart thus making that man kill themselve, or the woman kills man cause she wants that life insurance.

Just seems to be a lot of older widowed females, I wonder why.