This day

2 days ago I felt more optimistic towards the future than I do now.
Now, today, I don't know, things or my future seems very unfavorable to me right now and again.

I think I probably blew it.
I should of stuck with first plan and gotten some land, out in the middle of nowhere...but stupid me decided to go back to school and become a screenplay writer...wt whatever was I thinking?

In this world, without your own place, as in paid for land or house, you just never ever feel 100% at ease.
And when you lease or rent, you're always basically just another entities slave or property.

When this course is done, not sure what I'm going to do...I doubt I still have enough saved up to get my own place...I know I don't, and I've been unemplyoyed for a while while attending this online course.

And the film industry is very shaky, not really steady work, so I'll probably have to go back to working a normal job anyways, and write scripts on the side.

I just don't feel so hopeful today, and as usual, in this greed loving world we live in, my sense of security and safety all evolves around the amount of money or lack of that I'm sitting on, and right now, with each passing month, my security and safety and mental sanity is declining.
Or at least that's how I feel at the moment.

Still not really inspired, even though just spent last 2 hours writing about inspiration on other sites.

Still at ground zero of no inspiration, which means I have to get stuff done.
You'll never feel inspired if just sit and do nothing.

Today, this day, I wake up feeling, I don't know, defeated already, as if whatever I want and desire is meaningless and that reality and fate will dictate what I end up with 'Whether I/you like it or not'.

Not sure what to do with that...

If I feel others think I'm dead, I guess what it does is make me ignore the sensibilities of others and just do what I want regardless.

I mean if everything indeed is just a prop, than why should I care about anything or anyone anymore or their actions or reactions to anything I do, if everyone is just a pre determined prop on a fake stage anyways.

Today, hmm



Ever have one of those days where you want to do something, have the energy to do something, but at the end of the day end up doing absolutely nothing.

That was my day today...had the energy, but lacked the direction or plan to do anything with that energy.
In the past, I'd of just drank and said 'screw it', and just played with myself, or entertained myself is better wording.
When drunk, high or stoned, it doesn't take much to entertain you or yourself.
It's like when drunk, high or stoned, a plurality comes out of you. As such you're able to play with yourself, in that other sides of you come out, and you start talking to yourself, dressing up oddly, and just having fun, like a one person party.

But as of late I've cut back on drinking big time, and so.

But anyways, it's Friday, a full evening/night ahead, and I'll end up doing nothing, probably, but staying home, shut in, within my own little domain.

What's out there on a Friday night to do alone anyways?
Life is more fun when horney, cause you always think you're going to meet the opposite sex, or same sex, depending on your orientation, or both.

Time, regardless, is a precious commodity, and what we do with it matters.

Right now I'm going to strip my clothing off, lay down, and watch some streaming TV on Amazon, maybe YT.

I think the problem is is that I've got to learn how to be excited about life, my future, my projects, even if no one else is.

Can't find a rain jacket for squat, where I live.
Not at Burlington clothing store, not at Walmart (sold out)
Other place Cabanas?, they're closed.

And fuel is low or out in some gas stations near the interstate where people from South Florida are evacuating.

What a mess, and the news radio station, up where I stay, is doing round the hour coverage of the hurricane...why?

I think all we're getting is some distant outer bands.

Anyways, I just wanted a full rain gear outfit so I could go walking in the rain later on tonight instead of being stuck in my place.
I have to exercise, rain or no rain.