The next 2 months

First night 'back out there' actually didn't go so bad, had energy all throughout the night, and still have energy, think cause I've been eating a lot of rice lately and steamed potatoes and red beats...interesting.

And I did find a bit of joy last night in helping someone with their job duties, I'm a natural at it, and long ago actually wanted to be a teacher (should of stayed my butt in college), but have played with idea of being an instructor as well, was for a company once, and those I instructed absolutely loved my personality and style, unlike other instructors I never raised my voice or yelled at them...I have such a complex past that goes so far beyond what narrow range of self I share on here.

But ye, last night wasn't so bad, I actually feel a bit better than I did before I left, I think just being out there and interacting with a few others helped my moral a bit, think if I had that all the time, and not just when at work.

So far hanging in, not to bad, the brutal work schedule I was told would happen, really hasn't, not sure what all the bolster was about, maybe they're saying it could if the season calls for it soon.

Boss called today while I was off and sleeping, that's always scary...didn't answer at first, then saw text that said 'call me back when awake, wanna go over something with you'.

In my mind it wouldn't be good for me, usually bosses only call when they want to burden you with more work or filling in for another, but glad I did call back cause now schedule will change next week, no more overnights...good.

It was OK at first, but just can't seem to adjust to it, and throws off my sleep pattern when off, when off, during the day, I'm all groggy, cause that's usually when I sleep, but when off work, sleeping during the day doesn't make sense.

Now will be starting from around 2-4 pm, which means off around same same in the am, I'm cool with that.

Remember, with this job it's that I only work a few days a week that makes it special, I'm off more days than I work, but just work longer shifts, I'm assuming new schedule is the same, if not, Oh well..no job is perminant to me anyways, I just do what I gotta do to get what I gotta get, and then move on if feel like it....I don't work just to work, I work to achieve greater aims in my own life.

Once those aims are met, I'll stay, if like the job, or leave if no longer fits me.

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All that aside, mood has been kinda flat lately, not even coffee works, must be something else, maybe just been sleeping to much lately.

Not even coffee, caffeine, can over come lack of passion or 'Love', in ones life

Yep, so true, in that not even coffee or caffeine can over come the effects of lack of passion and or love in ones own life.

Passion and love go together, a love of something, whether another person, a animal, or a hobby, generates passion, and passion generates energy, enthusiasm which = results.

Coffee just gives you a boost of energy, but if there's no passion to carry that energy anywhere it's just like being a tree stuck in one spot.

Been doing OK, I suppose, but lately going down a path I shouldn't, and that is been drinking a bit when off, there is no solution in drinking, not now or ever and that's a path I need to steer clear of, problem is once off work I feel so beat down that it seems alcohol is the only way I can forget how beat down I feel, if not just for a few hours.

But still, that's not the path to go down or mood wise, things will only get worse.

For a while I was near done with drinking, but then at times just the shear loneliness of it all makes me want a beer or two, which turns into more, until whole day wasted on boozing and nothing of importance gets done, then work comes around, then I feel even worse cause start feeling like my only purpose in life, what's left of it, is simply to work as labor on a job that's just as lonely as my off time.

This is where I have to be careful, cause it's the need to be or feel wanted that can also lead to unsavory paths, and even worse if add alcohol to the mix.

Doing OK, I suppose

Made a decent check last week, at least for a hourly type, over a gran.

But still can't ever seem to save anything, and or when do just a matter of time before tragedy strikes as in needing auto repair or some other expensive crisis that just wipes out 4 months of savings.

Is why I don't play the game anymore, I don't need or beg for overtime, any of that, cause I've seen this cycle play out over and over in my life, the more you save, the larger the crisis that comes along and steals your savings, so I just cut back and do with less.

The job I work is lonely, seems only foreignors do what I do now, so it's like I'm in another country when at my job cause everyone's either Hispanic or Spanish speaking or 'other'.

My schedule will be 'thick' over the next 10 days...trying not to think about it.

Working like this is not something I look forward to doing very much longer, it's pointless, you just punish body, deprive self of 'self', for weekly check, just for something bad to happen and gobble up your savings near end of year, so now have to start over, it's like a cycle.

But that aside, at least as of now, mood holding up.

Back from the DMV, it was bad, but not as bad as I thought, there was spacing inside, but still wait longer than I'd of liked, around 2 hours, went from an estimated 36 minutes to two hours, but at least where I was they now get your cell number so can wait in car, they should of done that a decade ago!

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And I don't mean to brag, but I actually look pretty good, decent, especially for my age, when I go out many do respond well, when it's an official place of business, where professionals are, not talking about corner store type places where the lowest of the low dwell and then try to judge or rate you based on their limited view of the world, which is basically their own little neighborhood, but like as far as professional women/men go, I do stand out at times cause of my tall slender frame and handsome features.

If I went out, I could find a date so easily, but yet I don't, instead I seem to waste all my time on these 'blog forums', when in truth I still do 'have it', so why am I wasting my 'it' on here or places like this?

I don't know, it's safe I guess.

I mean I think if I were in one good relationship all of this would go away, cause all my time would be focused on my date or partner ect.

It's a female I really seek but just can't seem to find.

Dating sites?...ye right, bots, prostitutes, criminals and more, and you just seem to waste time renewing memberships while never meeting right person, at least with me that's the case.

I'm so use to being single, not sure what I'd do if in a relationship, it's been so long.

I know it feels good when in one, cause you suddenly feel as if you can conquor the world again, confidence goes way up and more, and you don't feel so dreadfully alone, but that's if with right person, cause it can go equally bad if with wrong person who can make your every living minute of life seem hellish.

I'd love to be in a relationship though, with the right woman.

I was at DMV and everyone there, especially the men, just were like short, they looked tore up, it's like no one was in shape, like people have just given up, but I stood out, was tall, had a Hollywood like presence and more.

Again, not sure why I waste or have wasted my 'essence' away online where I come of probably more like a 'closet freak' to most, when in reality, I'm so much more than that.

I just don't know sometimes what I should do going forward, should I continue on boards like this or should I actually try to step back out into the real world of relationships, get involved in real things, real events, volunteer my time ect.

I just don't know right now.

I'm just glad not at the DMV anymore and hope I didn't catch anything while there.

People in the transportation field will be worked to bones next few weeks

As in delivery drivers, truck drivers, warehouse workers, dock workers, anything having to do with package delivery, worked to the bones.

Like me, I feel so wore out that I can't even finish this...is how tired I am...

Time for bed.