Death and dying willingly, and exploration of

Also, whenever I leave my place, I often ask 'what if I don't come back'?

In that things stop moving once you stop moving them, in essence your place becomes like a museum once you're no longer around.

I once worked for 1st responder place, and older man got hit by car and died on the spot.

We had to go back to their place of residence which was a hotel room not far away.

They went through his stuff to identify him, TV still on, lights still on, they went through his photo album, and dude had lived a charmed life in the past.

But fate finally caught them, in that last days alive, or months, or years, near broke and living in hotel rooms, all the past glory meant nothing.

His last year on Earth or years, were basically spent surviving day to day, until on that night a motorist hit and killed him as he left a hamburger place returing to his hotel room.

I just remember thinking that the last thing that guy thought was that he'd be hit by a female driver while returning to his hotel room to enjoy his hamburger.

But there they lay, as still as 'gel', motionless.

I don't think people contemplating ending their own lives give it much thought ahead of time, for if they did, they probably wouldn't.

Cause to think that 'when gone', never to be again, that's a lot to digest.

Never to be 'again', for a zillion billion years, and years won't even mattered if not around to measure time, and even if did, which planet would time be measured from.

I guess only the religious faithful have hope after death.

And if nothing else, believing that will live forever at least provides comfort while alive.

I take that back, in that there are many non religious people who believe that life occurs after death as well, like ghost hunters, mystics, and so forth.

And pain can be such a distraction, it totally keeps you from concentrating on stuff.

I've never been sick enough to have to go to the doctor for a decade or more, but feel that could change here soon if I don't get better.
But now's the last time I want to go to the doctor with all the covid crap and protocal going on, I'm just glad I live in a red state where Republican people are more in charge and have more common basic sense when it comes to medical protocols.

I'm not Republican, but have been hearing how paranoid blue state medical people cold and callous enough to whatever.
Don't want to get into it right now.
I'll just say this, the Democrat party sure, as of late, has been attracing some very cold callous people to it's ranks.

I hope there's a Heaven, but if not, there's nothing I can do about it.

It does kind of annoy me though how everyone and their Mother, thinks they're automatically going to heaven, no matter how rotten a life a person lived, and rotten by how they treated others.

A lot of people do live rotten miserable lives, but they just deal with it and don't mistreat others.

And some people live very easy lives, yet make life hard on others, like the leader of Canada.

I think it's how you treat or treated others that matters the most.

But still, everytime there's a funeral, everyone goes up to heaven.

I hate when people say 'Oh, I know they're looking down from heaven'....really? No you don't.

I mean Hitlers relatives probably think the same thing 'Oh Hitler's looking down at us from Heaven'.

Seems rappers, no matter how vile in life they were, in death, everyone around them says 'Well, they're in a better place now'...really?

I mean if racist are in heaven, rappers are in heaven, criminals in heaven, child molesters in heaven, thieves in heaven, I mean if all the bad people on Earth end up in heaven, than is it really heaven?

Sometimes I feel I am the perfect candidate for _______. It's like everything has been set up right for me to _____ ____ for a long time, but I haven't.

Not sure why I keep ____ __.