Saturday

It's Saturday and so far today is proving to be a dud.

I keep doing the same 'on the list' stuff, like going in circles, stuff that when accomplished doesn't change anything for me.

I'm like a dog chasing it's tail, round and round, every day.

I need to do something significant, that's basic phycology, but what?

There's 100's of 1000's of people out right now, roadways are packed with people who are chasing meaning in life, but most are with others, family, friends, whatever, me, alone...that makes a big difference.

And me, older now, so not sexually attracted to others like I use to be, so I can't just meet others based on my physical attraction to them, cause very few would fall in that range.

So now what?

Go out and do what, alone?

I've already explored half the world alone, no more thrill in doing that if can't share it with others.

So now what?

Online stuff?

That's getting old and useless also, don't care what the site is, never no feedback, it's all like rigged, and unless some famous trend setter no one cares what you have to say.

So now what?

I don't know, I really just don't know, as I sit here wondering how I'm going to make today matter to me.

I just don't know.

In the past, I'd start drinking right about now, to numb my mind to it all, to numb my heart, but I don't do that anymore, so now just forced to deal with reality.

I think 'nothingness' wants or wanted me to just drink myself into oblivion, and be gone, and I guess maybe I fight now not to do that, not to give 'nothingness' what it wants, and that is for me to just vanish.

Sat night

Nothing glam about today, I had to work...just got home from work.

It's late, so not much I can do with the time I have, not much I feel like doing.
work has a way of scrubbing your mind of all creativity...at least with me it does, especially when alone.

Now if in a relationship, married, paired, roommate, whatever, or just have fun friends to hang with, than when you get off work you're more able to quickly forget about work, and the effects of work wear off a lot quicker.

But when alone, there's really no one to steer your mood or mindset the other way...all you have is your own thoughts.

When alone, come home to a empty place, usually beer or alcohol does for you what having a house or apt full of family or friends would do, and that is beer helps you to escape and relax.

I have an un opened can sitting in front of me right now...but I think I'll pass, cause there's really nothing for me to celebrate tonight.

Yep, I'll pass, maybe have some tea instead.

Why does every apartment complex always have some F head, who drives around with speaker base on?
All times of the day and or night, what kind of a mentally F head does that?

No booze tonight

Earlier in the day, while at work, I fantasized about having some drinks tonight, but hours later, and now that home, heck now.
I feel terrible, as far as beat up by the job type of terrible, that I just don't have the energy or mindset to drink anything alcoholic.
Maybe if I had friends to drink with or a roommate or a lover, or drinking buddy, sure, but I don't, so makes no sense for me to drink alone this late at night.

Driving commercial truck just beats you up, mentally, just wears you down.

But I'm off for the next few days, so we'll see.

It's Saturday


dizzysissytheater.blogspot.com/

Yep, it's Saturday, and hot and muggy.
I need to go exercise, and best to do so outside, but wow, it get's hot and muggy so quickly now that it's summer.

I usually go to the park, maybe I'll try another spot today.
Exercise is good, but stretching is near almost better, and both, together, can't loose.

Anyhow, as hot as it is out, I need to go shed some weight and caleries.

It's Saturday.