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Post by Admin on Aug 23, 2024 3:03:33 GMT
I'm realizing that not everyone from your past is good for you.
I mean if my life didn't blossom with those in my past in it, what makes me thinking dragging them, including them in on new stuff in my life would make anything different?
They were dead weight to me back then and will be dead weight to me now and in the future, so why bother.
Sure, we all want to matter to others, but mattering to some, or trying to, is futile.
Cause many from the past bring the same stink with them into the present and future, like dead sour weight.
A grave you drag around with you.
Just let them stay in the graveyard of your past.
After all, they tried to bury you, so why not do the same to them by moving on.
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Post by Admin on Sept 6, 2024 14:41:38 GMT
Yep, it's Friday alright Yep, it's Friday alright, and by gosh, I'm still here, some how, some way, I'm still here and still apart of this conscious stream. That being said, this morning got up and fried some eggs...I think it's the first time I've done that since my other apartment caught fire. The stove top oven I use now is out of wack. They heating elements are all dysfunctional, and only go super hot or off. And my a/c fan won't turn off, so have to turn the breaker off. Not sure how much longer I'll be here so haven't made any maintenance requests.
Took a late night walk last night, it was slightly raining, more like drizzling, had umbrella with me. It was a nice relaxing walk. I just can't come home and stay cramped up inside, I don't know how people do it, come home and just stay inside the whole time...not me, I gotta movie, walk, bike. Anyways, after this will groom, get dressed and go to the store and spend money. Then, who knows, I don't have the most exciting life...I'll probably study, and finish film school related stuff. Film school my azz, more like film sham, online course. I pay the salaries of others and in turn I get nothing...oh well. It's Friday, I'm here, so may as well live while alive.
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Post by Admin on Sept 12, 2024 13:13:36 GMT
Thursday  Today, hmm. I wake up today with a sense of dread, dread of running out of time and money. You can only be free when you have money, without money you become another persons slave...period. That's just how it's been set up in this modern world. And I really don't want to become another persons slave anymore, not at my age. There is no job or career I want anymore, other than to write. I'm going to have to stop being lazy now and grow, mature a bit if I hope to forge a future for myself, what's left of it, that won't drive me insane. And so I will have some coffee, or make some, and get work doing what I have to do. I have a phone call meeting today at 2 pm with some screenwriting coach...but if I accept, it's not free. Nothing is free, but it's up to me to get the most out of what I'm paying for. I wish I could win the lottery and just didn't have to do anything. I've been out of work and taking online courses for last 6 months, and the idea of going back to work horrifies me. Anyways, maybe I'll apply for unemployment soon, something I've never done in my whole life...but they make it so hard and complex to do so online...and I lost all my passwords when last place I live at got destroyed by fire and water and ash. --------------------- Anyways, the day is here, time to man up, person up, spirit up, motivation up...I've got to find it, cause no one else will find it for me. |
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Post by Admin on Sept 17, 2024 5:23:09 GMT
To much coffee To much coffee, to much life...slow down.
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Post by Admin on Sept 21, 2024 2:21:53 GMT
Family affair type stuff, but also applies to others in relationships on this planet
Evil whispers, chats behind close doors, good and love confronts, desires to resolve and settle....for the betterment of all.
Which are you?
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Post by Admin on Oct 7, 2024 13:41:25 GMT
It's Monday, I just deactivated my FB account, it was useless to me.
FB just allows others to spy on you and your activity, but no one really communicates with you.
Screw FB, screw all of today's social media.
I'm like this now, if want to talk, just call me...if not, than shat the ___ up.
I don't have time for spies and lies on social media anymore.
Long ago, it was fun, useful...today, it's just a ad and spy portal for others to watch you behind the scenes, say things and spread rumors.
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Post by Admin on Oct 8, 2024 16:05:39 GMT
Tuesday Yes, it's Tuesday, it's also October. I haven't had time to get into the October spirit yet, or the Halloween spirit, been so preoccupied with other stuff. But to be honest, it's just do to my very poor management of time. I'm terrible at managing my own time. Today I will try to get some stuff done and focus, but I always say that. I've gotta prepare for a trip, a flight, presentation, and more. I still have to buy some clothes, some pants, and more...still have to check my bank records, and more. I need to snap out of my mental lazy spell...running out of time is like being sucked into a vortex.  -------------------------- Anyways, also hurricane is approaching, hopefully won't be affected by it much, but you never know, and I hope the flight I'm supposed to catch isn't cancelled or delayed as a result...I have a small window. And after the 20th of this month, I have no idea what follows, literally I don't. Move, stay, get a job...I have no idea, I just know it won't be fun for me, change is never fun when you get older. When you get older you just want stability...and when you find a place that's stable, you want it to last forever, but it doesn't. The thing is, I know to much about human nature now and people to want to move. When younger, you feel sexy, you feel as if you're gods gift to the world and that everyone should be delighted to have you around...but decades of observing human behavior, biases, etc, you realize not so. It's just when younger, our ignorance shields us from reality. Anyways, enough babbling, it's time to put the day in gear and get some stuff done. It's Tuesday, and it's October, Halloween is right around the corner. 
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Post by Admin on Oct 17, 2024 4:16:41 GMT
Just got back from long cross nation flight
1. I don't ever want to do that again for a very long time.
Flying is so very overrated. Maybe it's more fun when traveling with someone you know, and or super wealthy and rich, but when just a average smuck, like myself, no thanks.
2. People now fly with airplane window pains down, they don't even care about the dynamics of flying, instead they're on their cell phones, or watching movies, etc...talk about system created human droids. It's what that powers that be want, mindless human droids who are more impressed with the creature comforts of electronics than the nature that surrounds them.
3. Traveling just sucks, plain, simply and period, at least as you get older it does, at least for me it does.
Maybe when younger, and still feel you're sexy and still feel others like you, maybe then it's fun, but when older, and need things to be a certain way, need to make sure your hair is OK, your skin isn't dry, etc, than traveling sucks!
By the time you finish your trip you look terrible, or at least I do...you look nearly the same way you do when you wake up in the morning, only now you're in public walking around where everyone can see you.
4. Germs, germs and more germs...if you travel, get used to that.
5. Not as many drop dead sexy people walking around as you might think...to me anyways, everyone is short, fat, pudgy, or have messed up skin, and or ugly azz feet.
What's wrong with people? But I guess they probably say the same about me, when they see me in the airport..lol.
When in public, you realize very few people actually look 'good', or like a 10...but love blinds you to that.
One thing all those imperfect looking people did have, that I lacked, and that is love. People who love or loved them...and that love is what shields you from the ugliness of the world around us.
To be continued.
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Post by Admin on Oct 17, 2024 4:31:43 GMT
Continued from above
Also, when I travel, there's so many things I do on a daily basis that helps to keep me healthy, and when I travel, I'm separated from much of that, as in daily regiment of vitamins, exercising, eating firmiluar foods, existing in a germ neutral environment, for the most part.
When you travel, you're forced to compromise in so many ways when it comes to your health.
The food out there, that you buy in airports, or corner stores while on the go, are so laced with industrial chemicals that damage our bodies.
A few days of that, and I feel the difference, can feel my immune system begin to weaken.
But I did manage to workout, even though out there in South Central Los Angeles at a hotel for a few days...that I knew I needed to do, if nothing else, and that was to workout, stay limber, fit, etc.
Heck, I even worked out a bit in the airport, don't care how it looked to others.
I got lucky though, and there was like one of the best grocery stories I've ever shopped at...'Food 4 Less'?...in Compton or Long beach, CA area, of all places.
As such, was able to still eat relatively healthy while in hotel..no fast food!
I just bought the salads, and fruit I'd buy when at home...but was just sad having to leave some of it behind do to luggage weight limits and etc.
This trip cost me a lot of money, and I didn't get the results I wanted or needed, but trying not to dwell on that right now...just got in, so I need to relax and wind down.
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Post by Admin on Oct 20, 2024 19:19:51 GMT
I never drink fast food fountain drinks, that's how you get colds A sure way to catch a cold, at least for me, is to drink fountain drinks at fast food places....why? Cause I suspect they're not properly cleaned, desanitized, which becomes a breeding ground for bacteria. Like the water in the ice tray dispenser and all. I just know whenever I even just sip fountain drink drinks, I immediately get the sniffles, as if a cold is coming on. Stay healthy, and avoid the fountain drinks, especially if older, at least that's my advice.
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Post by Admin on Oct 23, 2024 1:53:18 GMT
At a very hard juncture in my life's path.
I told myself, about a year ago, I never wanted to ever again be stuck, while still alive....meaning a slave to the system, meaning at the mercy of the system, meaning having to pay high rent, thus having to work a job I despise in order to pay that rent.
I did that for years, it's meaningless, unless have a family you're raising.
But if single, it's meaningless just to work just to work just to pay bills while saving absolutely nothing.
Where the only time your checking account grows is during tax season when you get a refund.
I can't do that no more.
My options are as follows
1. Just up and move.
Sometimes you just have to up and get the hell out of a place and change environments completely in order to find new motivation. It's never an easy thing to do, especially when older.
2. Buy a used RV, travel trailer, etc, and live out of it.
RV lot rents aren't a low as they used to be, but can still save money with an RV more so than paying rent, but have to get used to living on the 'lamb' for a while and doing without certain comforts...for sure.
Having a RV will help me never to feel 'trapped' by the system. And with homelessness rampant in many cities and towns, often times if find the right spot to camp, can do so for free while continuing to work full time or part-time and saving up for some land or school or this or that.
All an expensive apartment does, at my age, is eat up what's left of my dreams, money, cash.
3. Stay where I'm at and take one more risk and start my own online business...if it works, great, if not, it'll just be one in a long list of other things I've tried and failed at, only if I fail at this, I'm back to being a slave. Can I live with that??
It's a total gamble.
The money I'd spend to hire a professional web designer is basically the same amount it would cost me to move coast to coast using a U-Haul, and or 3 months worth of rent, and or any other emergency that might come up.
Life is no fun when you've depleted your savings, and the clock starts a ticking.
I just can't go forward working any ole job anymore that sucks up all my time, where I come home to grouchy to want to do anything meaningful, and more months, years, just fly by while I accomplish absolutely nothing.
4. could always just go live in someone's room, smaller space, for around 6oo.oo, doesn't make sense to pay much more than that for a room.
Decisions decisions...there is no right decision, and that's what makes it so hard...cause with each decision comes so many other variables to consider or that could happen outside of your, my, our, control.
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I just know when always rushed for money, it totally robs me of my creative side, if all I'm thinking about is a pay check and paying this or that bill, it just kills your spirit, you come home, and all you want to do is drink to escape the pain of a lousy life.
I don't want to go back to that.
And I'm old enough to realize just wishing for something, a good outcome, and or praying that 'God' will give you the good outcome you want doesn't guarantee anything...at least not for me.
Either way, I've gotta make a decision here soon, within days, or I'll be stuck here for another 6-7 months which = 7 thousand dollars minimum in rent and expenses, then what?
It would help if I wasn't alone, and had someone to plan with, but I don't.
And if I fall, no one will give a sht, I mean no one, if anything they'll quietly cheer.
Sometimes it's why it's easier for me to make big decisions when drunk, cause you just do it, and then have to deal with it later.
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Post by Admin on Oct 23, 2024 2:05:35 GMT
I know I really need to grow up, not for others, but for myself, at least for now.
Hard decisions take an adult mind.
But, I'm also scared, and not afraid to say that, yes scared, of an outcome that doesn't favor me.
What do I fear most?
1. Being captive to a situation that doesn't suit me, my health or my prosperity.
I feel being stuck in an environment that keeps me average, I guess that's what I ultimately fear, being stuck in an environment that keeps me average and doesn't allow me to shine.
Or working around others who just see me as labor, as I've done pretty much my whole life up to this point.
Working around others who don't value my thought process is utterly grotesque to me going forward.
I can either gamble, try to create something that if goes right, will make me a rich person, or I can play it safe, buy a used RV, go live in it, but would still have to work, and hope that between working, I'd still have enough time and energy to persue my true passion.
That's just it, I'm to old to want to labor anymore.
Need to learn to generate money from home, or other none labor sources, where I'm in control of my time, how I look etc.
Sick of jobs that want me to cover up my looks in safety vests or some ugly as hell hard hat where I just look stripped and void of individuality.
Anyways, writing about it won't change anything, here soon I'm going to have to make a decision, and live with it either way.
But I'll tell you this, I'd rather live in a tent, and be homeless, again, while working full time or part time and save up money, than go back to just working just to work while not saving a dime.
With all these gdm under paying jobs around.
13 bucks an hour should be a crime in this day and age.
My jobs pay better than that, but just saying, a lot of jobs still pay 12-14 an hour, how the F can one live off of that...and that's what I mean, you're basically a slave, stuck in the system, bad credit, no way to save cash, just stuck, forever stuck...F that.
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Post by Admin on Oct 28, 2024 23:52:04 GMT
Monday thoughts 
Hasn't been the most inspiring day for me, not at all.I must of drank more heavier than I thought last night...I should know better, but that's what lonliness will do to you at times. And I still may have a few tonight, rather than continuing to feel like this for rest of evening. Drinking makes you irresponsible for real. Makes you paranoid, irresponsible, lazy, and even sickly, if you over do it. Aside from my own personal issues, not much else to say. It's been a boring dud day, and if filled the majority of my time, once out of bed, writing gibberish on line as I'm doing here...gibberish. I guess that could some up my life as of now... gibberish.
It's Monday, Halloween's in a few days.
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Post by Admin on Oct 29, 2024 1:59:01 GMT
I've fallen behind on the AI curveLike technologies of the past, I've fallen behind on the whole AI thing so far, but it's not to late. I was afraid of AI initially, but now hearing that it's actually a great tool if used right. It can help you make better cooler videos and save you a ton of time. I may try a free version of a animator, just to tell quick short stories...maybe it could help my near dormant video sites get more views. I don't know, I may give it a try, I can't let this technology fall behind me as I did so many others of the past, and is why I'm so stagnant online. I'm gonna give these guys a try, or their AI animator builder a try, for free, if I like, then maybe I'll subscribe to a monthly service. www.renderforest.com/project/new-2416
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Post by Admin on Oct 30, 2024 5:28:28 GMT
Can't believe it's already Halloween tomorrow But I think in this place and the other blog forums I frequent and run, I think it's always Halloween year round.
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