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Post by Admin on Apr 16, 2020 10:40:27 GMT
Sobriety Sobriety When you're drunk all the time, during your time off from work or on the weekends, over time, it's like you become a charaticture of yourself, and don't really realize it until looking back. You become a charactiture of yourself, different sides of self come out that are always there. And I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean many musicians, who's songs we listen to today, some deceased, some still here, but many musicians created 'classics', while in altered state of mind. Many musicians go into the studio, to record, either high or drunk or both and produce songs that 'we' as a society cherish, just listen to some documentary's of musicians and you'll see what I mean. Some musicians think that being high or drunk while recording or singing or writing songs, brings out there more creative sides. Is that true? Can one be just as artistically creative without being high, drunk or stoned? Or better yet would one be as artistically 'bold', in their art or self expression if not high, drunk or stoned? Personally speaking, looking back over years that I did drink, I doubt the art that came out would have had I never started drinking, cause I would of been to afraid, or ashamed, or 'conditioned' to suppress that side of self. Alcohol lowers the 'shame gate', when drunk, there is no shame, just an exploratory attitude and behavior. In private, it's pretty much harmless, but it's when get that exploratory behavior and attitude while in public that gets people in trouble. I think what kept me safe over the years that I did drink was 98% of the drinking I did was in private. That's what kept me safe and out of trouble. I was drunk during the age of social media, so instead of going out to bars and clubs (which I did a few times), most of my rants and raves took place behind the keyboard while safe at home. Early on though, I did go out, and I'm sure made a spectical out of self almost every time. I was looking for attention, and took advantage of being drunk to get that attention whether it was good or bad, didn't matter, as long as I got attention. I'd ride bike through 'the hood' and say stupid stuff, trying to deliberately agitate people, or I'd go downtown at night and do the same. And I'll admit it was fun, cause I was getting out years and years of quietness and social shyness. But not all those expeditions led to pleasant places, not bad places, but not pleasant either, cause a few did try to take advantage of 'my drunken state'. But I always saw it all as a experiment as in. 'Gee, I've always wondered how it would feel to pretend to be helpless?'. And so forth, as if observing self in a dream and taking mental notes. Yes, I've taken many mental notes over the years as if using self as my own experiment. But now the question to self is, is 'Is the drunken experiment over?'. And this time I think it is, so going forward, whatever art or ideas I express will be generated from a sober mind, rather than a drunk one. And my question to self is will it be the same or even more distorted? We shall see.
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Post by Admin on Dec 29, 2020 5:01:29 GMT
Sobriety
I know during these tough times, people losing jobs and all, all the negative news coming from news stations and more, I know now is tempting time for many to start drinking, or worse than that, a time when many, no doubt, will get addicted to harder drugs such as pain killers, prescription stuff and street stuff.
But just speaking of alcohol, here to say if never start drinking will be happier for it, but here's the thing, can one appreciate 'happiness' or where they're at now if never experienced worse?
Addiction of any kind fixes nothing, and I recently watched some 'meth addiction' show on YT, and there's plenty of them, and wow, now those people addicted to Heroine or meth, that's like a whole other league of addiction.
I can't imagine a drug so powerful that it's effects only last a minute or two, yet can turn a persons life inside out do to getting addicted to it, but you see it all the time in real life or in Documentaries.
And these drugs have worked their way into working class communities, communities that for years thought they were immune to such things, not anymore, not anymore.
Alcohol can destroy your life over years, even decades, where as these street drugs seem to destroy your life in a matter of months.
I drink alcohol, but that's it, but even that I want to stop doing.
I don't want to crave nothing but healthy food and water.
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Post by Admin on Nov 30, 2021 17:37:31 GMT
Sobriety Well going on like 9 or 8 days so far, am finally shedding some of that butt and gut chub, it's always da butt, da gut, and then finally the chub on da face. And I've probably saved around 40 dollars. But over all I don't feel any happier, and my life circumstances still pretty much generally suck..  Muscle aches subsiding, but now have persistent cold, light one, but persistant, and I think it's cause was drinking so regularly that probably effected my immune system just enough for a cold to slip in. Just glad not have to work for next few days, nothing worse than having to work a labor type job while dealing with a slight head cold, cause now you have to concentrate on your job for 12 hours or so, when would rather be laying down or sleeping. And when single, there's no one else to bring home the bacon for you. I'm former Navy, I should do like everyone else and see if I can milk the system, I never take advatage of any Vet stuff, never really had to in the past, to honest, but the older you get where does being honest and stellar really get you? Even millionaires made out like bandits during that corona wave, applying and getting millions in aid money that they did not need, didn't but their conscious on bit, so why should it bug mine to get a few pennies? heaven and hell are now, and people are told to endure hell now, for heaven later, not sure if I buy that anymore. Anyways, it's a new day, but I still feel the same. Let's see how it goes today.
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Post by Admin on Dec 1, 2021 16:25:33 GMT
If going to be sick anyways, I wonder if it's better to be drunk while sick or sober while sick?  I think maybe if sick, and have loved ones in your life, sober, for sure, but if sick, and all alone, and have no one to comfort you, than sober or drunk or 'other', to take your mind off of self? Not everyone is all caught up in the health care system, insurance, visits doctor all the time, not everyone is apart of those ranks. Some people get sick, and just die, no fan fare or anything. But while dying, theoretically speaking, does sobriety even matter anymore?
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Post by Admin on Dec 1, 2021 16:30:54 GMT
Also, even though have been sober for about 10 days now, felt like I was stoned or high while in and out of sleep earlier this morning, mind was twirling all around with odd thoughts, seeing self do odd things (probably cause watched video of self doing odd things) But was like lusting after self on video they way normally you'd lust after a stranger. And maybe when I see self in video, maybe my mind does see that video image of self as being a stranger, but one attractive enough to subconscious mind to lust after. When you lust after your own self, I wonder what that's called?  |
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Post by Admin on Dec 5, 2021 3:07:01 GMT
Yesterday when I got off work I felt like crap, I wrote that down elsewhere, but tonight, after working long shift I feel better, not as drained, physically more solid, and still am sober (not that I drink between shifts, but sometimes will have one beer when get home, but because days so long, only have about 1 or 2 or rec time so usually don't bother drinking when working a string of days together).
That being said, had I been drinking normally, no telling how I'd feel right now, it's been a up and down hill physical and emotional battle for sure.
But this time I do want to remain sober, for my health sake, I don't want to keep pushing my luck.
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I'm off now for 3 days, in the past would immediately start gussling down some beers to escape the previous work day, but this time, no, will just face how I feel and deal with it, that's how sobriety begins, is learning to 'deal with it', whatever 'it' may be.
Learning, again, to just deal with it.
My face looks better, that's for sure, cause when stop drinking the puffiness goes away, or the reddening of the surface of your skin, cause when you drink, I read, after a while it damages the capularies on the surface of your skin, or something like that.
I just know my face looks better, and my natural smooth skin is coming out again.
Weight?...that's dropping also, not that was ever fat looking, but to 'self', I could tell my weight was to high, certain pants, shorts, could no longer fit into, butt fat is a moe foe, so is gut fat.
Well now I'm off, so now what, since not going to drink, how will I relax into what's left of the evening?
We shall see.
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Post by Admin on Dec 6, 2021 15:00:19 GMT
Losing about 1 pound a day, so far, since stopped drinking  I notice I'm losing about 1 pound a day, since stopped drinking over 10 days ago, I want to lose another 4 lbs, I wonder what 4 pounds looks like in mass or water?  Here's a 5 pound weight, I'd actually like to lose 10 more pounds, I really want the skinny toned look now. That won't be easy to achieve, hard to lose weight that quick unless just sick or something. I remember years ago I had the flu and lost weight very quickly. Oh well, on with the day, I did sip a beer last night, not even a full sip, just enough to taste it and said, nah.
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Post by Admin on Dec 18, 2021 12:11:22 GMT
I will say this to about sobriety, even if that sobriety only lasts a few weeks at a time, and that is when don't drink, waking up in the morning is not nearly as depressing.
When you don't drink the night or day before, for days or weeks at a time, morning, right out of bed, alarm clock mood begins to improve a bit, at least for me.
I mean getting up for work still sucks, it's an exercise that gets old fast, just like getting up for school sucked, so does getting up for a job you don't like or stopped liking, sucks as well.
I think 9 am is near the perfect wake up and get out of bed time, I had a job like that once, and waking up, getting up, wasn't a bother at all, cause had plenty of time to find self in the bed before getting snatched up and out by a alarm clock.
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Post by Admin on Dec 21, 2021 0:40:33 GMT
Alcohol kicking my butt right now, as far as current mood goes  Alcohol is kicking my butt right now, has me in a very non enthused mood, as such I'm wasting a ton of time on my second to last day, evening, night off from work. When at work I always tell self to maximize off time, then when off work, if start drinking, it all goes into the can. So then you're like 'Well already feel bad anyways, may as well drink some more'. What a trap, a physiological trap to fall into. This may sound odd, but I think if I never had to work again, I'd stop drinking cause there's be nothing to escape from if I didn't have to work again. It's like I only drink to escape from the fact I know I have to go back to work. --------------------------------------- I haven't even checked my phone today, heard it ringing a few times when laying down earlier, I don't even care. Unless someone's calling to give me a million dollars, what do I care. This is how post, or the day after drinking makes me feel, like nothing.
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Post by Admin on Jan 15, 2022 20:27:43 GMT
It never fails, when I stop drinking, I feel better, body aches go away, just odd nerve type body aches deep in arm muscles, or back muscles, it just goes away after a few days, until start drinking again, when will I learn?
I have learned, but sometimes when alone, feeling lonely, it can be hard to not revert back to drinking just to numb that feeling of being alone.
But if didn't drink, I'd probably just go out and actually meet real people and then wouldn't be alone.
Drinking, I see, actually further makes one socially isolated, or at least in my case it does, cause once start drinking I know longer feel the need to go out, I drink alone and at home and then just blab all over social media.
For 2022, I really do need to change some habits that have been holding me back from my potential, and that's mainly falling into the trap of drinking..
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Post by Admin on Jan 23, 2022 3:15:35 GMT
As a alcoholic, recovering one, I can't drink just to drink if not going to get drunk
Watching a movie now, where one couple serves another couple drinks in their house, whisky?, like in small glass, like days of old.
But here's the thing with me, being a drink to get drunk type.
I see no use in drinking a small sip or half a glass of Bourben or Whiskey or Scotch or anything unless going to drink till drunk.
If just drinking just to drink, than give me water or Gatorade or lemon-aide, but not alcohol.
Alcohol tastes bad to me, I only drink it if trying to get drunk, but have no use for it in small quantities.
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Post by Admin on Jan 23, 2022 13:57:46 GMT
I do believe I'm finally getting the upper hand on drinking, I could be wrong. it's just now when I do drink it's very less fun, and I spend more time, afterwards, wishing I hadn't drank, than did. There's a lot more reflection time now that revolves around my drinking, when I do do it. As such my moods are all over the place, my outlook on life and all. People say, assuming there's a god who cares about everyone, that god doesn't make mistakes, well I sometimes find myself thinking they did when they, not so much created my life, but maybe by the family I was born into, and place, and time, I don't know, hell they did their best when I was younger. From 1-16, I couldn't ask for a better life, but not sure what happened after that. After age 16 just seems the love and support, and friendships I had around me begin to crumble one layer at a time. Oh well, going to get up out of bed and force self to get some stuff done today. Will try to make the best use of whatever time and health I have left on this planet they call earth, where no other life exists for billions and billions of miles, kind of odd when you think about it.  |
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Post by Admin on Jan 25, 2022 19:43:44 GMT
The older you get the more sobriety and health do go together, cause the older you get you have make decisions that effect your health, or will.
I just got back from exercising in the ball park, I don't know, it just seems harder and harder to stay in shape.
And with me, probably has to do more with drinking, I mean even though I drink less than a year ago, I still do drink beers at time when off from work, and that's what seems to set me back, physically and emotionally.
And sometimes I'm afraid to actually be completely sober all of the time, it actually scares me, for some odd reason, as if a part of me will die and go away.
I don't ever want to be a conformist, I conform to nothing intellectually, or in how I look in the sense of hair style, ect.
Being sober all the time makes me feel like a conformist.
And when normal, the world ignores you.
I don't know, maybe I'm not even making sense.
If drinking just killed you quickly, cool, but it doesn't, it kills you over time, even over decades, and that's what sucks.
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Post by Admin on Jan 25, 2022 19:46:51 GMT
When I think of being sober all the time, I think of how I use to feel when way younger, sitting in some quiet school or public library room, with no sound, just hearing the vent blow or the clock tick, it's maddening.
That's how I view being sober at times, is as being maddening dull.
Obviously that's not true, so I have to over come that perception.
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Post by Admin on Feb 5, 2022 2:28:50 GMT
Not easy pouring beer down the drain  Tonight I poured like 3 3/4 filled cans of beer down the kitchen drain, why? Cause I've been dry for over a week now, that's why, and needed to clear out room in fridge. But it was sad, it made me feel sad, cause I don't like to waste stuff, and after all I paid for it. But I've been off of alcohol for over a week now and want to maintain this for a while, and have lost weight, as usual, and just want to improve my over all health after that scare a few days ago which I found out had nothing really to do with alcohol and more to do with Milk and inflammation and infection caused by inflammation (all stuff I looked up online but made sense) So I tested that theory, and sure enough I was feeling better until I drank some milk, darn, I love how milk tastes. So not only am I giving up beer, for now, but also giving up milk...mercy. It's just that seems my body, our bodies, do everything they can to keep us alive and healthy and we do everything we can to counter that with bad diets and lack of exercise and stress, and lack of sleep and drugs, tobacco, alcohol. I could use a beer right now, to relax and get into more of a playful mood, but that's why I'm not further ahead in life cause have spent the last decade or longer just playing, playing with self, trying to relive younger years when I was to uptight and insecure to have any fun. So I guess I've tried making up for it all over the last decade or so....wish now I'd of found another way of playing with self and relaxing. And when I say 'playing with self', I mean letting my guard down, when alone, exploring other sides of self, and for a while doing so in public. Stuff I should of gotten out of my system in high school and college aged years, but didn't cause back then I was so wound up in religious doctorine. Well now I need my brain again and my wits about me, cause I'm getting older and can't afford to be acting like I'm 19 still. Well I can, and there's nothing wrong with that, but usually have to first succeed at something, have fiscal security and all. It's why very wealthy people do act so immature cause all their basic needs are taken care of, but I'm just not there yet.
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