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Post by Admin on Jul 12, 2022 14:03:44 GMT
 It's Tuesday, and well, I feel neutral...you have to understand, drinkers, we rate everything by the level of alcohol in or out of our system. And right now I'm pretty pure, clean, the effects of Sunday nights drinking is all but pretty much gone...not that I'm a hard hard drinker when I do drink, I mean I'm sure some people would put me to shame...but drinking or the effects it has on you is relative to each individual. For some, just a few beers can be devistating, for others, they have to drink hard liquor to have the same effect. It just all depends on your age and general health, I suppose. ------------------------------------- Leading up to Sunday I was such a different person last week as far as the plans I had, my ambitions, the things I was going to do on Monday, but then I got reckless and drank on Sunday evening and night, and the next day I was floored, completely floored, the way the closet monster floors the dizzy sissy type of floored.  I mean it literally felt like my soul had been removed from within, type of floored, and so there went my ambitions and desire to do anything other than to lay in bed and languish as the closet monster circumstance of life had it's way with me. Totally devistating, as I'd spent over 100 dollars the day before preparing for activity on Monday which I did not do cause of the effects of drinking on Sunday night. And of course, when you feel that bad, as any drinker will tell you, you want to drink some more to num the fact that you feel so bad, and I did go through maybe slightly under half a can, but then was like 'stop'. --------------------------------- Here's the thing, when you're caught in that vortex, even while alcohol is beating you up, as you're in that hangover, hate self, hate the world mode, drinking more seems like a better alternative than just letting that post drinking feeling linger, and it does, you just have to ride it out, even though it seems as if the feeling will never ever go away, but it does, if you ride it out, as I did, and as such feel much better today. Yesterday is gone, but hey, I still have today, so lets see what happens. |
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Post by Admin on Jul 17, 2022 22:10:48 GMT
I drank 1 beer, and did so very slowly, like over a 30 minute span...why?
Cause I wanted to kind of feel where I was going if drank a lot, and so by drinking very slowly, I was able to see where I was going, and didn't like it at all, not one bit, and so stopped.
Now look, we're all different, different ages, different experiences, different everything, so not everyone will be able to relate to what I'm expressing.
But will say, drinking just that one can of beer felt like, to me, as if I were drinking a can of death.
How else can I describe it, both literally and fugitively, it just felt like death...a can of nothing to nowhere for me.
It didn't make me feel at all better, never really does anymore, I think the days of drinking making me feel better are long gone.
It does, however, still alter my reality a bit, and that's the escape we seek, but, but, to me, there's to much colladeral damage that comes with that.
My enthusiasm goes away and more, and even physically, I just feel heavy and wooden on the inside when I drink.
It's almost like enjoying the pleasure of s_x for 5 minutes, but then afterwards getting beat up in a boxing ring for the next 24 hours, it's just not worth it, if you have sense.
I'm glad I was able to stop, I really am, cause symbolically that means a lot.
It means on my own, with no one else telling me to, it means I recognize that drinking alcohol is a dead end trip for me, maybe not for others, but for me it is, and glad I stopped at just one beer, so glad I stopped, and not can get on with other stuff and challenges.
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Post by Admin on Aug 22, 2022 1:38:10 GMT
I've been drinking again, more than I should, and the results are the same..
In no way does drinking enhance my life, not at all, yet I still drink beers, no hard liquor, just beer, but still beer can ruin my day just the same.
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Post by Admin on Aug 24, 2022 20:07:55 GMT
When you drink, you have a lot of fun, the night before, happy, carefree, but then the next day, not so much.
Seems every drug, whether alcohol or other, just has an equally bad effect on you when the effects wears off.
But I once new a guy on street drugs, who would not drink, absolutely would not drink, but they'd do drugs.
I asked him why, and they said they just didn't like that bloated gut hangover feeling.
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Post by Admin on Sept 7, 2022 13:53:33 GMT
I drank so many beers last night, I woke up today not knowing what day it was 
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Post by Admin on Sept 7, 2022 14:00:34 GMT
F this world, you gotta live while alive.
For when you're dead and a corpse, the world can't tell whether you drank or not.
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Post by Admin on Sept 8, 2022 2:17:36 GMT
Drank my azz off, better than feeling alone
Sometimes Id rather be drunk, feel drunk, than fell alone.
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Post by Admin on Sept 12, 2022 12:21:32 GMT
I drank last night, and called people, like a fool, texted people, like a fool.
That's what happens when you drink, are single, and lonely, you end up making a fool out of yourself.
But better to do so over the phone, than out in public.
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Post by Admin on Sept 19, 2022 7:37:21 GMT
When I'm drunk, I make sense, but the thing is is that I don't really mean what I'm saying.
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Post by Admin on Sept 19, 2022 16:37:37 GMT
Im still whreeling from last nights, early mornings, drinking session.
I've felt worse before.
The new day is here, so had better make the most of it, regardless of how I feel, deadlines are deadlines.
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Post by Admin on Sept 25, 2022 18:34:21 GMT
I feel like utter garbage today, do to drinking last night.
Why do I keep putting myself through this?
I drink, it's fun while drunk, I make a fool out of myself, then wake up the next day feeling terrible.
I'm just glad I'm off today.
I don't know how in the hell I'm going to continue working for the rest of my life.
I just want to give up, but when an adult, and supporting self, you can't give up, there's no one to 'give up' to.
Bills have to be paid until you're dead, what a system.
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Post by Admin on Oct 9, 2022 2:23:08 GMT
Time to clean self up, again Time to clean self up, again. I've allowed my drinking to take control over me the last few weeks, and it has to stop, at least for a while. Why? Cause I've been making a fool out of myself, that's why. Normally if my drinking just effects me, I don't care, but when I start making a public spectical out of self, then well, I start feeling shameful. In other words, as soon as my drinking leaves my front door, than that means I need to reel it in, as in cops coming to my place for wellness check, as in me disturbing neighbors and saying stupid stuff aloud, as in me email people and behaving in odd drunken manner. It has to stop, and only I can stop it. No one will rescue or save me but me. It's not as bad as it sounds, but to me it is. That last round of drinking, it's like another spirit came out of me, one I barely recognized...a mischievious type of spirit, and one I must bury again, at least for a while. It's one thing to get drunk out of your mind if on a deserted Island all alone where no one can see you or is affected. Anyways, sobriety starts now. Again, I make it sound worse than it is, but this time the 'turning point' is me embarrassing myself.
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Post by Admin on Oct 9, 2022 18:32:43 GMT
It's never easy trying to go sober, after fall back into habit of drinking, cause the minute you feel good, you lie to yourself and say 'Oh, I feel better now, healthy, surely I can handle a beer or two'...and that's how it happens.
Cause when have a full throttle type of personality, you can never just stop at 1 or 2 beers, what's the point?
To a drinker, stopping at 1 or 2 beers would be like stopping a rollercoaster half way down the slope, makes no sense to a drinker type.
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Post by Admin on Oct 9, 2022 18:59:56 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if I don't drink, will I wake up one day and be totally frightened of my own reality?
Is being sober really it's all to be cracked up, when not living the best of life anyways?
It's like would one rather be drunk in prison or sober in prison?
Once could say though, that if at least sober in prison, might be able to escape.
I guess we all, at times, create our own prisons in life, and we get stucked and bogged down in the prison we created for ourselves.
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Post by Admin on Oct 9, 2022 19:23:25 GMT
If I got drunk right now, I'd probably destroy something, maybe even my life.
I know this is odd place to be sharing such deep stuff, but it's true.
I can feel disappointment and anger building up inside of me, as yet another dream, endevour of mine, is about to collapse.
I did my part, where the F is or was everyone else!!
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